thebunion

2002-08-28T11:59:00.000Z

Vowels under threat

The literary world was rocked today by news that the world’s supply of vowels is due to run out by 2007.

Scientists have calculated that at the current rate of usage, the letters A, E, I, O and U were due to be completely used up before the end of the decade, unless a new supply was discovered to replenish fast diminishing stocks.

Experts are already calling for radical rationing of the letters, which make up around a fifth of all words printed. That could include limiting usage to specially licensed institutions such as libraries, publishers and government organisations. Non-critical use of vowels could come under strict restrictions, threatening a number of ‘lifestyle’ publications, tabloid newspapers and comedy novelettes. Spoken vowels will not be affected.

Alternatively, a new alphabet could be introduced which removes the use of vowels completely. Many teenagers already use a similar method for txting on mobile phones. But experts dismiss this is impossible in practice: ‘Yt wld myk lyf vry dyffyclt,’ demonstrated one.

2002-08-23T15:47:00.000Z

LOCAL NEWS ROUNDUP

Elephant ban for Lambeth bars

Lambeth council has unveiled controversial legislation banning elephants from bars in the town centre.

A council member told thebunion: ‘For too long, local residents have complained about the elephants’ behaviour, especially at closing time. Their drunken antics can cause serious damage or injury.’

But animal rights activists have reacted angrily. One said: ‘It’s so rare to see elephants in the wild these days, pubs and bars are one of the few places that these shy animals will congregate. They particularly like Karaoke.’

Beans blamed for damage

A rogue can of beans was last night being blamed for damage to linoleum tiles in the kitchen of a local woman.

Agatha Warthorn, 56, admitted she had dropped the can as she unpacked shopping purchased during a recent trip to Supasava Minimart. Her husband, 57 year old Bert Warthorn, was reported to be 'not bothered' by the incident.

2002-07-19T12:32:00.000Z

'I have a cunning plan'

British politicians have admitted goading Moroccan armed forces into invading disputed rocky lump 'Parsley' or 'Leila' or whatever it is called to provoke a Spanish response. Said one tittering employee of the British Foreign Office: 'It was too easy. We just reminded the camel chasers that the Argies couldn't take the Falklands - and they're shit at football too. We mentioned Gibraltar a few times got some local troops pissed, stuck them on a rowboat, gave them a flag and pushed them off towards that useless rocky outcrop.'

The Spanish response was predictable to say the least. It sent across its elite commandoes (all 12 of them) supported by its entire navel fleet of coracles and rowboats plus an antiquated helicopter to retake the island. Our Foreign Office source adds: 'Now the Spanish haven't got a leg to stand on when it comes to Gibraltar. And that means we can use it as a garage for our rundown leaky submarines.'

Result!

2002-07-12T15:32:00.000Z

America Inc. in trouble

The NASDAQ fell further yesterday after it was revealed that George Bush, CEO of America Inc, had falsely accounted for his popularity.

‘He told us that it was due to the overall performance of the company, but now we know it was just about September 11th … and maybe that thing with the pretzels.’ Said Harold Bloomers, chief analyst with the Weybridge and Studley bank.

Billions have been wiped from the world’s stockmarkets as Bush’s November Senate hearing approaches. The big question on everyone’s lips is, will he take the Fifth? Here’s hoping.

2002-07-11T15:54:00.000Z

Man turns down parental position

A man has turned down the role of father to his newly born child, saying he prefers to take the lesser role of Godfather or favourite Uncle. ‘I’m not really the right man for the top job,’ Darren Watts from Solihull, told the Bunion. ‘It involves a high degree of responsibility which doesn’t fit with my current lifestyle.’

His girlfriend, Sharon, was said to be disappointed at the announcement but respected his decision. She will be shortly be interviewing new candidates for the vacant position.

2002-06-21T13:36:00.000Z

Employee caught working during England game

An employee was today accused of hiding the fact he was working during the crucial England/Brazil match. A colleague said: ‘Our company had brought a TV into the office and gave us all breakfast so we would watch the match, but he didn’t care. He was hiding behind his PC, pretending to cheer on Owen’s 23rd minute goal, when in fact he was completing an important report. It’s just not on.’

Earlier, colleagues had found that the unnamed employee had filled his coffee cup with coffee, instead of the illicit beer that had been smuggled into the office by staff.

2002-06-14T15:51:00.000Z

Political news:
- UK Prime minister divorces wife after buying new glasses
- Arms Minister admits involvement in ‘numerous arms deals’
- Labour minister to sue newspaper over ‘heterosexuality’ claims

2002-06-07T14:25:00.000Z

Bristol Girls School netball team next up against England after Argie thrashing

After numerous defeats in international football, England finally achieved success against a bunch of floppy haired Argentinian girls. England’s premiership team, headed by David Beckham, ran rings around the girls, who minced around the pitch complaining of broken nails and swapping hair care tips.

Renowned football pundit, Paul Gascgoine, was unable to comment.

2002-06-07T14:02:00.000Z

India accuses Pakistan of stealing border

India has accused Pakistani soldiers, engaged in a tense stand-off with Indian troops, of removing the border between the two countries.

Colonel Mitri Paduwadi, commanding officer of the Indian forces, told reporters: ‘The border was there when we went to bed last night. But when we woke up it had gone. We can only assume the Pakistanis stole it during the night.’

Pakistani denies the accusation. A government spokesman said: ‘You can’t blame us if the Indians can’t guard their own border. We checked with our forces and they insist they haven’t touched it.’

Both sides admit the theft would have required some considerable planning. The border, marked on most maps as a serrated red line, is 1,332 miles long and weighs an estimated 6.3 tons when rolled up. ‘It’s not something you could hide under your bed,’ one source remarked. However, neither side is ruling out a cruelly timed practical joke.

2002-06-07T11:21:00.000Z

Bush creates new intelligence agency

Speaking to reporters outside his Texan ranch yesterday, Bush said: ‘This one will be intelligent and…an agency.’

He refused to be drawn on the details, but sources say the new organisation will be nothing like the CIA or FBI. Instead it will be effective, co-operative and accountable.

Sources say Arnold Schwarzeneger is lined up as agency director.

2002-06-07T11:10:00.000Z

Bunion world cup special

- Portugal feels wrath of US war on footballism
- Rivaldo says he does know his arse from his eyebrow
- Britain thrash Argentina 50 – 0 (now you know it’s a joke site…)

2002-05-24T14:13:00.000Z

That leaked government memo on asylum seekers in full:

1. Send ‘em all back to where they come from
2. It’s the only language they understand
3. Er…that’s it…

Other news:
-Government promises to end spinning about the end of spin in the government

2002-05-10T14:25:00.000Z

Byers affair takes the biscuit

Will we see the Tories in power sooner rather than later? This is the message from the think tanks after the repeated pummeling Labour has taken over the Stephen Byers affair.

Studley Ringtone, a leading think tank wonk, told us: ‘Whether Byers really took more biscuits than he should have done at ‘that meeting’, as it is now known, is irrelevant now. What matters is the Tory victory in the House in the whole affair. Ian-Duncan has been majestic’

Duncan Ian Smith has exposed Mr Byers as a serial biscuit philanderer, mercilessly exploiting his lies that he took his share and no more of the cross-party refreshments.

Speaking exclusively to thebunion, Smithy-Duncan thundered: ‘No one gives a fuck about the trains or the housing crisis – this is the issue of the year, if not the decade. We’ve got ‘em on the run this time. Go back to…wherever, and prepare for government.’

Byers refuses to resign, adding: ‘Vanilla creams; bourbons – what’s the difference?’

2002-05-08T15:56:00.000Z

Cupboard goes for just under a million

Old mother hubbard last night sold her cupboard for £400,000. The cupboard, decribed by estate agents as ‘….a luxury property in the heart of London, ripe for development and close to the tube’, was bought by an old woman who lived in a shoe.

2002-05-07T15:50:00.000Z

Israel concedes

thebunion has obtained a copy of the concessions being considered by the Israelis before they rejected the UN's Jenin inspection plan. In the public interest, we have printed them in full below:

2002-05-01T07:31:00.000Z

Attack of the drones

George Lucas last night refused to reveal exactly where he got his inspiration for ‘Attack of the Clones’, his latest Hollywood blockbuster.

He told reporters: ‘The idea just came to me: a rich, incestuous empire intent on replicating itself around the globe by any means possible, stifling creativity wherever it goes.’

‘Attack of the Clones’ is the 17th prequel to the smash hit ‘Star Wars’, which also spawned 32 sequels.

2002-04-15T12:18:00.000Z

Report reveals shock crime figures

Young people are carrying out the vast majority of youth crime in Britain, a shock report by the Police Commission revealed today. 'We found that a stunning 100pc of all crimes perpetuated by criminals between the ages of 12 and 18 were in fact being carried out by young people,' a spokesman told the Bunion. 'Older criminals have tried to dabble in this highly lucrative area but always find themselves falling outside the age criteria boundaries.'

21 year old Ray Smiggs, a petty thief from Wigan, says: 'Us older perps have always seen youth crime as one area where you can make a lot of dosh - just look at the figures. 80pc of all mobile thefts are by youth criminals. They are raking in a total of £120m in criminal takings a year. I want a peice of that. But because of arbitrary age groups set down by the government, we are excluded from that market. It aint bleeding fair...gunv'na,' he added quickly.

The report also found that three quarters of all criminals had committed at least one crime in their lifetime. The remaining 25pc were also linked to criminal behaviour of some sort.

2002-04-15T11:47:00.000Z

Israel calls for peas

Green vegetable producers were overjoyed last night as news emerged that Israeli PM, Arial Sharon, had called for an International Peas Summit.

Norfolk Pea Farmer, Leyland Crabwell, told the Bunion in a broad yokel brogue: ‘Obviously there are some terrible things happening in the middle east, but they should never be allowed to overshadow some of the more important things in life, like peas.’ Subjects he wishes to see addressed at the summit include international rebranding of Petit Pois as Little Peas and standardising mushy pea density.

However, officials at the Israeli Embassy in London were attempting to play down the announcement. One described Crabwell as a ‘f******g idiot.’

2002-04-12T14:52:00.000Z

Britain to bomb Argentina

Britain last night extended its the war on terrorism by sending a task force to Argentina. It plans to exact revenge for David Beckham’s footballing injury unless ‘diabolical’ Duscher is handed over.

Backed by a media campaign that includes the Sun and the Daily Telegraph, 15 destroyers have taken up positions off the South American continent. Argentina has five days to comply with UK demands before the bombing starts.

Speaking in the Commons, Tony Blair said: ‘This insult to will not go unpunished. Argentina must learn it cannot get away with such an affront to democracy and the free world.’

He added: ‘We kicked your ass once and we’ll do it again!’ He was given a standing ovation.

President Bush has given his support for the move. He told reporters: ‘The evil terrorist responsible for this must be caught and brought to justice. We give all our support to our ally, the great united kingdom of Wales.’

2002-04-11T15:08:00.000Z

Beckham foot latest

News that David Beckham could be out of the World Cup for good was greeted with delight by non-football fans in the UK.

Said one, celebrating in a West London pub: ‘Now we’ll be kicked out even earlier than before and we won’t have to watch 22 men kicking a pig’s bladder around a pitch for an hour.’

Beckham is £25m old

2002-04-05T13:04:00.000Z

No news fears

Media organisations were sent into a panic this week after the sudden disappearance of vast swathes of news across Britain. Worried journalists have been scouring the countryside but have been left largely empty handed.

Commentators say a freak heat wave may have encouraged flocks of news to migrate north off the British Isles. Larger news stories may have sought refuge in underground caves. Environmentalists say tabloid stories, which live predominantly in suburban areas of Britain, are particularly under threat – they have naturally short life spans and lack the size and weight to survive particularly harsh conditions. A poor crop in one year can also affect future breeding cycles, say commentators.

One journalist added: ‘if it wasn’t for the news that there is no news, we’d be screwed.’

2002-04-03T12:08:00.000Z

ITV bags deal

In a move sure to fan the flames of controversy surrounding the BBC’s coverage of the Queen Mother’s death, ITV has just announced it has won the rights to televise the funeral of Prince Charles.

A spokesman confirmed it had outbid SkyTV by ‘…at least £4m’ in a close run battle between Sky, ITV and the Beeb.

But the big prize - the death of the Queen - is still up for grabs. Sources say Channel 5 is in with a good chance, as the monarchy wants to modernise its image and appeal to a younger audience.

The money from these deals will be used to pay off the Queen Mother’s overdraft.

Other Royal news:
Dutch Queen fears for life after Dutch fail to assuage grief over death of UK Queen Mother

2002-04-03T11:31:00.000Z

Cease-fire in Middle East agreed

Yassar Arafat called for a temporary cease-fire in the escalating Middle East conflict last night so both sides could properly mourn the death of the Queen Mother.

An aide to the embunkered Arab icon told thebunion: ‘Even though he never met her, Yassar feels the Queen Mum really touched him personally. He just wants to remember her in his own way. It’s about priorities really.’

Tony Blair has welcomed the move and recalled Parliament after baby Leo took a crap.

2002-04-02T11:49:00.000Z

Thatcher shuts f*** up

Ex-UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was last night unable to say why she had decided to stop giving public speeches. A source told thebunion it was because she was shit at it. Baroness Thatcher could not say this was false.

Calls for a national holiday to mark the occasion fell on deaf ears.

2002-04-02T11:32:00.000Z

101-year old woman dies

Sources confirmed an old woman did die on Saturday, rubbishing a claim made by some newspapers that her death was an elaborate April fool by her great-grandsons. Despite media deification, the 102-year old did not rise again on Easter Sunday (continued pages 2 – 103).

Page 104: Gordon’s Gin makers file for Chapter 11.
Page 105: Ex-servants tell how the old woman sacrificed her happiness in £102m mansion.
Page 106: That £42m overdraft in full – just where did it go?
Page 107: BBC ‘….full of Stalinists wearing inappropriate red underpants’ says source.
Pages 108: Nuclear war breaks out in Israel.

2002-03-28T16:35:00.000Z

Man proposes in the UK shocker

Harold Pumpton, 35 from Stoke, yesterday became the first man in 10 years to propose to his girlfriend in the UK.

Pumpton, a barman, asked girlfriend Deborah Hatpeg to marry him on Blackpool beach, dispelling rumours he had planned a romantic trip to Venice to ‘pop the question.’

Hatpeg, 28 from Derby, told reporters: ‘It was lovely. The wind in our faces. The ping of the amusement arcade games. Dogshit on the beach. Who needs Venice?’

A spokesman for the UK tourist board blamed the low-cost airlines for the decline in UK-based proposals.

Pumpton denied allegations outright that he was a ‘tight bastard’.

The last man to propose in the UK was Tobias Hillshaw, a railway engineer from Colchester, in 1989.

IT officially …’boring’, says Gates

Controversial Microsoft chairman Bill Gates rocked the IT world last night by announcing he was resigning his post to farm organic chickens in Cornwall, UK.

He told reporters gathered outside his $50bn house that he had lost interest in the world of IT, and wanted to pursue a life that would bring him closer to nature: ‘Let’s face it you guys, IT’s dull. No one understands it and it never f****** works anyway does it!’

Microsoft shares fell 50pc on the news. The company is worth $100tr.

2002-03-26T12:15:00.000Z

Secret government announced

‘Bad Attitude’ Baracus was said last night to be ‘overjoyed…fool’ at his personal invite by President Bush to form part of a secret government committed to ruling America in the event of nuclear Armageddon.

It is unclear who else has been invited onboard. But in a written statement to the press, ‘BA’ said he knew three other men who, if he could find them, had nothing better to do.

De de der, de der der, de de de de der de, der de de der de, etc…

2002-03-01T13:39:00.000Z

Hypochondriac suffers heart attack

A man described as a ‘complete hypochondriac’ suffered a severe heart attack and died in a busy office yesterday, despite repeatedly asking colleagues to call him an ambulance. One shocked co-worker said: ‘He started complaining of chest pains but we just ignored him. He was always making out like he needed to have major surgery, even if he got a tiny little paper cut.’

One colleague was even said to have told the man, Harold Gibbs, 57, that he was ‘an ambulance.’ Gibbs collapsed in convulsions before staff realised there was something wrong. One added: ‘It’s quite funny really. We thought he was just fooling around. But who’d have thought it, all the time he was actually suffering a massive coronary failure. We all feel a bit silly.'

2002-03-01T13:21:00.000Z

WWF smackdown to end violence

In a final bid to end global violence once and for all, the gods from the world’s major religions have agreed to a ‘Deity Smackdown’ organised by the WWF in Las Vegas.

The winner of the event, which is co-sponsored by Coca-Cola and the Gap, will receive the much-contested title of Supreme Being on Earth, a cheque for $5m and a five year advertising deal from the sponsors.

‘Jumpin’ Jackknife’ Jesus, Ladbrooks’ 3:1 favourite to reach the semis, told thebunion: ‘I just got one thing to say to Allah: come on if you think you’re hard enough!! You got a TOUGH lesson in divinity coming to you my friend.’

Jesus partners ‘God’ as a two-man tag team, due to meet Mo ‘The Prophet’ Mohammed and ‘Allah the Attitude’ in a 3 match bout in the play offs.

The winner of this fight will take on an as yet undecided Hindu God. Due to the sheer number of entrants, the Hindu gods will fight it out in a massive ‘Rumble in the Temple’ in New York before the Las Vegas bout.

The title of Supreme Being was last won by the Roman beauty, Athena, after a mammoth rock, paper, scissors session in 1998.

(With apologies to any religions not mocked in this story)

2002-03-01T12:26:00.000Z

Video confusion ‘…doesn’t make me a wuss' says man

A Leeds man was forced to choose a ‘chick flick’ for the second time in as many weeks after an argument with his girlfriend, thebunion has learnt in an exclusive interview.

‘We watched ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ again last night’, Joe Willis, 29, told us, ‘although it should have been my turn to choose. Don’t get me wrong, Julia Roberts is quite tasty and everything, but it’s so obvious what’s going to happen. Why do women always fancy the arseholes in these films?’

After a spat over whose turn it was to wash up, Levis was forced to make amends by foregoing his turn in the video choosing order.

But the 29 year old builder says his time will come: ‘A Van-Damme film or a Brucie number with guns and aliens is definitely on the cards for next time.’

Levis denied claims by his friends that he was a ‘big poof‘ and ‘under the thumb.’

2002-02-25T14:31:00.000Z

Woman to have a baby shocker (pages 1 to 15)

Exclusive to all newspapers!!

The media world was rocked to its foundations yesterday by the news that a 26-year-old woman, happily married with one baby boy, was expecting a second child.

One exited source told us: ‘It’s incredible! Who would have thought it - a woman, pregnancy.... this has just come out of the blue.’

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, stole the headlines only three weeks ago when she tied her shoelace in Debenhams, and last week when she dropped her lipstick in a club.

Other news:

Page 16: Exclusive pictures of Pop Idol Will having a crap
Page 17: Blair sells Monarchy to PFI
Page 18: Bush bombs Canada

2002-02-22T14:50:00.000Z

Pope changes name

Pope John Paul II, yesterday issued a papal decree announcing he was changing his title to ‘P Daddy.’

This isn’t the first time the notoriously wayward Pope has demanded a change of name. In 1998, he briefly insisted that vatican officials refer to him as ‘the religious entity formerly known as The Pope.’

His Eminence, who recently announced plans to wed long time girlfriend, Anna Goglioni, is renowned for his flamboyant lifestyle and wild-child behaviour. On a 1999 world tour, he and his entourage caused £18,000 of damage to a Madrid hotel room in a three day sex and drug-fuelled binge. Last year, at a Vatican conference on divorce and abortion, he drunkenly referred to fellow church delegates as ‘boring tea-drinking geeks.’

He is also infamously demanding while on tour. As well as his trademark bullet proof white car, His Holiness insist that his dressing rooms are decked out in satin sheets, with a giant jacuzzi and tubs of red-only smarties.

2002-02-21T14:39:00.000Z

Fat people rebrand

Fat people are hoping to reverse their current poor public image with a radical rebranding. With the slogan ‘Fat Lot of Good’, Britain’s fatties are investing £1.2m in a nationwide marketing campaign. Fat spokesman, Billy Biggins, said: ‘Like it or not, fat people have established the wrong type of image for themselves over the years. The public perceive us as lazy, greedy and smelly. We want to see more fat people as sex symbols, movie stars and athletes. How many fat people do you see running the 100m at the olympics, or climbing to the top of Mount Everest. We want to change that.’

Doctors criticised the campaign however. One told thebunion: ‘Fat people should just eat less.’

2002-02-21T13:18:00.000Z

Grandmother elected PM

Civil servants were last night forced to defend the sudden appointment of British grandmother, Eileen Dobbs, to the position of British prime minister. Mrs Dobbs, 68, who suffers from alzheimers, was said to be confused and ‘repeatedly asking for Bobby’, say number 10 sources, as officials moved her into her new Downing Street residences last night. Former PM, Tony Blair, had been moved out of Number 10 along with his family earlier in the day, after receiving the news of his replacement.

Members of government were informed of Mrs Dobbs appointment by a mass email that was sent to Whitehall yesterday. Critics, however, say a newly installed IT system had been suffering from 'serious teething problems' and was to blame for the appointment. But a senior civil servant rubbished this: ‘It is working fine. We have our orders and they are being implemented to the letter. Mrs Dobbs is scheduled to address the house tomorrow morning and then will answer questions from the opposition. In the evening she is meeting with Russian premier Vladimir Putin to discuss foreign policy.’

At a press conference to discuss her new position, Mrs Dobbs appeared in a grey, stained nightshhirt and would only talk to one journalist, the Times political correspondent James Montrieff-Williams, who she referred to as ‘her Bobby.’ In answer to questions about her stance on the Middle East conflict, she repeatedly chastised Mr Montcrieff-Williams for going to school without his packed lunch and for scraping his knee while playing outside.

2002-02-21T13:09:00.000Z

New hairdo ‘just what I always wanted’

Macy Drew, 28 from Manchester, last night denied claims by her boyfriend that her new hairdo was ‘…a complete and utter waste of money.’

Drew, who spent £70 for 40 minutes of treatment at the New Lady Salon, told thebunion: ‘It’s my money and I’ll do what I like with it. He spends his on Playstation games. I’ll spend mine on haircuts.’

But boyfriend James Johnsen hit back: ‘We’re supposed to be saving for a mortgage. And if you want the truth, I can’t even tell she’s been to the f****** place.’

New Lady was unavailable for comment.

2002-02-21T12:56:00.000Z

UK pins hopes on flood of Afghan heroin

Crazed UK drug addicts are pinning their hopes on a bumper Afghan heroin crop finding its way to Europe. ****ed up heroin junkie Tommy Johnson told theBunion: ‘The market needs this heroin. If we don’t get it, the price will skyrocket and I’ll have to beat up more old ladies and do more crime to afford a fix. It’s all about supply and demand.’

Local policeman Derek Walters admitted: ‘My heart goes out for Tommy and all his ****ed up friends. I hope this skag comes through because it’ll keep my workload down if heroin costs less. They won’t commit as much crime, they’ll be easier to deal with and will have less chance of going to prison.’

17-year old occasional cannabis user Michael Spink is also crossing his fingers that the Afghan poppy farmers don’t let him down. ‘Everyone tells me that I’m on a slippery slope. Apparently, this time next year I’ll be a regular heroin user. My Saturday job only pays £15 a week. If the price of heroin doesn’t come down I’ll be forced into a life of crime.’

A government spokesman admitted to theBunion: ‘We have startling evidence that users of hard drugs do not base their choice of substance on pure economic rationale. Apparently they become addicted. So, even if heroin is £200 a hit as opposed to £20 users will not necessarily switch to legal alternatives such as Silk Cut cigarettes. This means that more heroin on the market is actually good news.'

But the government is committed to action: 'We are recruiting specialist smuggling squads to work with the government to make sure that enough heroin reaches the UK. Just don’t tell customs & excise that we’re doing this because they might be a bit pissed off. More heroin means less crime, lower prices, less money for dealers, no violent drug wars and support for the fragile Afghan economy. That's good news all round - isn't it?’

2002-02-20T16:35:00.000Z

Rematch for grudge fight

Goliath has demanded a rematch with world heavyweight champion David after being felled in the first round of their last tie by a slingshot.

Peter Simons, Goliath’s fight manager, told us: ‘It was completely unfair. There’s no weapons supposed to be allowed in the ring, but that little s*** sneaked one past the judges.’

But David has refused the confrontation, saying there was no available venue: ‘The Middle East is too dangerous now, and I won’t fight off home ground.’

Goliath has gone on the record to say he will seek a fight with the Jolly Green Giant if David won’t change his mind.

2002-02-20T16:33:00.000Z

PR works

Journalists were placated last night by a stream of platitudes from corporate communications officers at Arthur Andersen.

The event happened after the beleaguered Big 5 accountancy firm revealed five more accountancy errors that could lead to millions of pounds of lost pension funds, thousands of job cuts and deepening recession.

Bill Jones, PR manager at Andersen, told assembled hacks: ‘We are taking this situation extremely seriously and are moving as fast as we can. No one is more concerned than we are.’

Onlookers were amazed. Frank Armitage, who was walking past the open air briefing, told thebunion: It was amazing. I expected them to storm the building and lynch the CEO, but it was all very calm. I guess journalists aren’t the hard nosed bastards we think they are.’

2002-02-20T15:44:00.000Z

Crap joke made funnier by thick recipient

theBunion office ground to a halt this afternoon as fledgling correspondent Dickon Hooper failed to grasp a simple in-house joke. Said colleague Alastair Edwards: ‘It’s no surprise really. He is still green behind the ears and judging by his recent content, humour is an alien concept to him.’

The joke that instigated the office downtime was a simple one: ‘How do you get two whales in a mini?’

The answer was of course M6 followed by the M54 referring to British motorways. To get this answer the original question has to be interpreted as ‘to Wales’ as opposed to ‘two whales.’ Of course, it is impossible to get two fully-grown whales in a mini!

Even as others discussed the correct answer, Hooper still struggled to grasp the joke. He muttered a gentle, ‘I still don’t get it’ whilst simultaneously attempting to join in with the laughter from his colleagues so as not to appear stupid.

Hooper refused to be interviewed for this piece but did release the following statement: ‘theBunion was established as a serious political satire site. It was not intended as a vehicle for comedy and smut. I apologise to any viewers who have found my colleagues’ content humourous. I will endeavour to ensure that the supply of dry and dull political satire is unaffected. I am confident that my failure to ‘get’ a simple joke does not make my position as a satire writer untenable. If my colleagues publish this incident on the website they immediately become guilty of navel-gazing.’

2002-02-20T15:22:00.000Z

‘We’re fed up,’ say butt of jokes

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were yesterday launching a joint legal action against the UK’s entertainment industry, for what they describe as years of unwarranted torment and abuse.

A spokesman for the three told a press conference: ‘Comedians and entertainers have been profiting unfairly from these individuals for decades. Now they are looking for compensation dating back to 1936, the first known date of a joke involving them.’

The action is expected to launch a wave of similar claims. A gay guy with a lisp, a blonde and a herd of elephants are currently known to be seeking legal representation.

2002-02-20T12:53:00.000Z

Accountants answer back

There is no doubt that accountants have been under the microscope since the collapse of disgraced energy giant Enron. But now some of them are beginning to hit back at critics.

Kevin McImply, partner at Blogg, Twit & Knacker and president of the newly formed Worldwide Accountancy Association (WAA), told thebunion: ‘After Enron, everyone thinks we are this fly by night, rock and roll profession that goes around defrauding shareholders for fun and hard cash.’

He added: ‘Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, we are the same old boring bastards we were before. It’s just one or two bad eggs who are ruining it for everyone else.’

Hence the creation of the WAA which will tour universities and job centres across Europe and the US to lecture graduates about the true nature of the profession. McImply added: ‘We were concerned that young people would get a distorted view what we do and that we would then be inundated with fresh applicants. That would never do.’

2002-02-20T12:48:00.000Z

Climbing mountains pointless

Junior anti-hillwalking campaigner Matty Jones has forced his outdoor-loving parents into a dramatic U-turn. A planned Easter holiday to the Lake District has been scrapped after 10-year old Matty stunned his parents by saying: ‘What is the point of climbing a ****ing mountain. We get to the top, turn round and come back down again. It’s a waste of time you stupid old ****wits. If you want to see the view, buy a postcard or a guidebook.’

Norman Jones, father to Matty, told theBunion: ‘My first reaction was to whip his pants down, put him over my knee and give him a right good spanking with a rolled up copy of The Telgraph. But then I realised that he was making a valid point. It really is a waste of time. I don’t even like walking that much. So, I patted the young fellow on the head and gave him £3.00 to try and buy cigarettes with.’

The Jones family has now decided to go their separate ways at Easter. Young Matty is delighted to be going on a PGL adventure holiday. ‘They have girls there and everything,’ he panted to theBunion. ‘My mate Thommo told me that he copped a feel last year on a PGL holiday. I know I’m only 10, but puberty hits us kids earlier now and I’ve got needs man. Oh yeah, I’ve got needs. I need some honey.’

Father Norman will now visit Thailand to fulfil his ladyboy fantasies whilst wife Irene stays at the family’s Suffolk home to entertain her endless succession of male admirers. Irene told theBunion: ‘Matty is an innocent child [see above Mrs Jones – Ed] but he had a point. We all hate each other and Norman and I are only together for Matty’s sake. Hillwalking is ****ing pointless. I can get just as much exercise on my back here – and with nicer company.’

Yet another nail in the coffin for the traditional UK country holiday.

2002-02-20T12:29:00.000Z

Andersen condom probe?

Information suggesting accountancy giant Andersen cooked the books at Durex condom maker, LLM International, has appeared on thebunion’s news desk.

The leak came from a company source who reckons the company has adequate protection against any legal challenge.

2002-02-19T13:45:00.000Z

Journalist rebutts sex sells news claim

Sex doesn’t sell news, insists a prominent UK magazine journalist: ‘It’s total big melons to say it does,’ he said today, caressing his girlfriend’s pert, naked buttocks. She moaned, quietly, and ran her tongue slowly over her full red lips.

He added: ‘I take great exception to the tendency for most tabloid to add a bit of sexy titillation into a story, just to make you read it. Readers couldn’t care less if last night I happened to walk in on my lesbian housemate having some red hot girl-on-girl action with my cousin, who is also a model. She was slowly peeling off her tight cotton top to hungrily kiss her attentive nipples. It’s quite outrageous what some newspapers write.’

2002-02-19T13:00:00.000Z

Bikes not cars for Dagenham

Ford motors is about to close its English car assembly line at Dagenham, Essex. But it is not all doom and gloom. Local councillors have come up with a startling rejuvenation plan for the plant.

Dagenham councillor Randy Spears told theBunion: ‘The solution is obvious and has been staring us in the face for a long time. We will take advantage of Dagenham’s proud heritage and convert the assembly line to produce more locally made bikes.’

Local historians agree that the Dagenham area has long been associated with producing quality bikes that can satisfy the needs of many male riders before reaching the end of their useful working life. Said one: ‘Practically every bloke in England has ridden a bike from Dagenham at some point in their life. There is no reason why the local economy cannot benefit from increased production.’

Spears adds: ‘I know that they’re not the best looking bikes. But they are cheap, comfy and you can ride them every day and they will not complain. They have great suspension. Essex and bikes go together like Wayne and Sharon.’

In its own special way, Dagenham will also be helping out Ford by manufacturing bikes. The best way to transport an Essex bike is in a car and many owners like to service their bike in the back of a humble Ford motor car. Spears himself has had in-depth experience of using Dagenham bikes: ‘They just keep on going and don’t know when to quit - although the ride quality does start to suffer once they’ve had a few owners.’

2002-02-19T12:41:00.000Z

Dome robbers sentenced

Those responsible for the daylight robbery on the Millennium Dome were sentenced yesterday at the Old Bailey in London.

The leaders of the gang, ‘Mad’ Michael Heseltine and Peter ‘The man’ Mandelson, were both sent down for twenty years. Both were found guilty of conspiring to defraud vast sums of public money.

But insiders reckon some of the gang have not yet been found. Said one police source: ‘We think the real masterminds of the robbery are still at large, lying low until the next job.’

Our source indicated that future targets could include the Millennium bridge or Wembley stadium.

2002-02-19T12:32:00.000Z

No satisfaction for confused pensioner

A landmark UK case saw 5 market traders found guilty of using metric measures on their fruit and veg stalls. The EU has banned the use of pounds, ounces, yards and inches and the traders were ordered to pay costs of £100,000. Said one disgruntled trader: ‘Everyone knows what a pound of bananas in. Nobody has a clue what 500g are. It’s a bloody disgrace.’

Said another: ‘My older customers just do not understand metric measures. It is a real nuisance for them and many end up buying more fruit and veg than they really want.’

With imperial measures being squeezed out, theBunion has uncovered startling evidence that old people are suffering on several fronts from EU measurement meddling gone mad. It’s not just the fruit and veg versions of bananas and plums where metric messes with the old biddy minds.

68 year old Joan Walters of Scunthorpe, a member of UK internet dating service www.oldbutupforit.com has also found her life affected by the new legislation. Said Joan: ‘I just don’t know how it works now. I used to read the profiles of potential partners and rule out anyone less than 8” – I like them big. But now the website has gone metric, I’m really confused. I’ve had some real Tiny Tim’s and I’m getting quite upset by it all. I’m not satisfied and all the girls at bingo laugh at me.’

An EU spokesman admitted to theBunion: ‘We did not consider the problems moving to metric would cause for old people looking for love on the web. Obviously there is a big difference between 8cm and 8” and my thoughts are with Ms Walters. I might go round and show her the difference between 8” and 8cm.’

Joan looks forward to your visit Mr EU spokesman.

2002-02-19T12:28:00.000Z

Bodies discovered in grave yard

Investigators were shocked to discover the presence of hundreds of decomposing bodies buried in a graveyard in Crawley, East Sussex. The gruesome find was uncovered after complaints that the local undertaker was burying corpses ‘in broad daylight,’ often only a few hours after funerals.

One police investigator said yesterday: ‘The scale of this is almost unbelievable. Bodies have been buried here for hundreds of years. We think this has been the hideous work of only one family, which appears to have passed the job down from father to son. It will be weeks before we recover and identify bodies.’ Identification of individual corpses has only been made possible because of the presence of stone markers, detailing date of death, name and sometimes even a couple of words describing the character of the deceased.

Police were also praising a group of local children, who initially alerted the authorities to the alleged crime. The undertaker, who has not been named, is currently in police custody, but last night released a statement through his solicitor describing the children as ‘pesky.’

2002-02-12T13:50:00.000Z

Gates to testify in Microsoft case?

With Microsoft still embroiled in lots of legal proceedings, it now appears that no one is exempt from the US legal system. The latest news is the Gareth Gates himself could be forced to testify.

Young Gareth told theBunion: ‘I d-d-d-don’t really understand why they want me. Ever since I got the r-r-r-runner up prize on Pop Idol [a UK talent show], everyone wants a piece of me.’

Gareth fears that the pressure of being in a US courtroom and being questioned could mean a drastic recurrence of his stammering problem. ‘The t-t-t-trial could last for w-w-w-weeks. I m-m-may sing my answers to save t-t-t-time.’

Gareth’s sole knowledge of Microsoft is having used Internet Explorer to access the Pop Idol website and vote for himself. A brave lad now paying the price for fame.

US readers should note that this story will mean diddlysquat to them. They will have to wait for the Pop Idol phenomenon to cross the pond - which it surely will.

2002-02-11T12:59:00.000Z

Is New Labour Socialist?

The Conservative Party last night claimed to have uncovered evidence of a socialist plot at the heart of New Labour.

Ian Duncan Smith, leader of the opposition, told thebunion: ‘We have recently found documents in the House of commons proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that New Labour is socialist at heart.’

He added: ‘The document shows how they plan to privatise everything they can get their hands on. They then pay the private sector to cock up – as they have with the railways – so that they can re-nationalise everything with massive public support.’

Railtrack denied ever taking money from the government to ‘cock up’, saying this was all its own doing.

Duncan Smith reckons the Post Office and the London Underground are next in line for the ‘wreckers’ treatment, as he describes it.

A Labour Spokesperson rejected the claim: ‘There is absolutely no socialism at the heart of New Labour whatsoever. It’s complete rubbish.’

2002-02-07T16:59:00.000Z

No rest for the wicked rumour confirmed

There was no rest for the wicked last night at an all-evil forum in Norway.

‘Christ I’m knackered’, said Grupods, a twin headed goblin who also confirmed the rumour that two heads were better than one. The inner-council member had trekked up from the forests of Southern Germany to attend. He added: ‘All we do is work - evil here, evil there. I’m done in.’

Grupods was one of several hundred delegates working 15 hour shifts to come up with new and ingenious ways of committing evil acts.

One source, who preferred to remain anonymous, told us: ‘The management really haven’t organised this well at all. We could do 7 hour shifts in smaller teams. But no, it’s all been decided before we got here.’

Elsewhere in Norway at an cross-border embroidery conference sources confirmed that a stitch in time really does save nine, while producing evidence that a cat does not have nine lives.

2002-02-07T16:56:00.000Z

Milkman faces charge

Sid Jenkins, the driver of the London milk float in collision with a St Bernard dog called Tiny, now faces the prospect of a heavy fine to add to his woes.

Tiny died instantly after the milk float slammed into her defenceless cute doggy body at a reckless 4mph. As the damaged float took the impact, several bottles were dislodged and smashed on the concrete road.

Adage Enforcement Officers arrived quickly on the scene to discover a distraught Mr Jenkins in floods of tears. He was immediately charged with failure to adhere adage 174 – ‘It is no good crying over split milk.’

Mr Jenkins disputed the charge claiming that it was the untimely death of Tiny that caused him to cry – not the milk. The case will be heard later this week.

Here at theBunion, we understand that we have to cover these stories. But our thoughts and prayers are with Tiny as he makes his way to doggy heaven. Mr Jenkins, I hope they throw the book at you dog-killer. (Stop it Stuart. Come away from the keyboard. Just let it go – Ed).

2002-02-07T16:30:00.000Z

On target for new brand

UK-based ace delivery firm, Target, has changed its name after a closely fought battle between its union, TWT, and management.

Jim Merangue, TWT chairman, told thebunion: ‘Our members were fed up of arriving at an office to pick up a package and being subjected to a barrage of stupid jokes. ‘Bet you can’t hit this!’ or ‘How many have you missed today?’ just get wearing after the 100th outing.’

But top management are less than impressed. Bob Scottelburg, CEO at newly-named ‘Scenario’, said: ‘We have spent years building up this brand and now no one knows who the f*** we are! We are probably going to have to cut staff in the future.’

TWT said it would resist any such move.

I-bank latest

Scott Vanuka, the banker at the centre of the scandal that brought down UK-based I-bank, has re-iterated his claim not to know where the missing millions are.

He told thebunion: ‘I had the $500m this morning when I got up. I put it in my briefcase and now I just can’t find it. I’ve looked everywhere and it’s just vanished. I think the cleaner might have nicked it to be honest.’

Mrs Vanuka, 43, added: ‘He’s so scatter-brained, he’d forget his head if it wasn’t screwed on. He’s always doing things like this. One year, when I was at my mothers in Scotland, he left the kids behind when he drove up to see me. We nearly had social services take them away that time. The money’ll turn up. It always does.’

I-bank’s management were philosophical when we rang. CEO Abe Kewlock told us: ‘I once lost a dry cleaning ticket for my best suit, and it turned up in the dog’s basket after a few days. What can you do?

2002-02-07T13:15:00.000Z

Government to legislate against conflict of interests

The government last night followed the example of the Big 5 accountancy firms that are hiving off their consultancy units by confirming rumours it would separate the public services from its private sector business.

Back benchers and industry commentators welcomed the change and said it had been a long time coming, but New Labour was now showing its true colours.

A Downing Street spokesman told thebunion: ‘The cross selling opportunities between the two, through initiatives like PFI, were enormous. But in the light of the Enron dealings, we recognise that there is a clear conflict of interests in doing this. So our customers – the electorate - will only receive offers from the private sector from now on.’

Public services will no longer be provided to customers in the railway, post office and airtraffic control sectors. The spokesperson added: ‘In any area where we feel the private sector can sell its services, the representatives from the public services will not be involved. In all honesty, this is not that different from how we have done business over the last five years.’

It is likely that the public services business will go to ‘The Dogs’, a US-based scrap-heap company with offices in Slough.

2002-02-07T13:00:00.000Z

IT managers admit holiday virus scam

In a series of sensational confessions, website and IT managers from Europe and the US have come clean on the latest scam to make people worship them (and pay them) even more.

Said one: ‘It’s simple really. When we have a week’s holiday, we plant some viruses on the system before we leave to make it crash when we’re away. All hell breaks loose because no one else understands the system. When we come back we get treated like royalty.’

theBunion has investigated this case further. It also appears that IT training courses for web and IT staff are an excuse to pick up the latest ‘holiday viruses,’ get pissed, sleep around and laugh at employers who actually pay for the privilege.

One course organiser who requested anonymity said: ‘We don’t teach anything. IT is actually really simple. We give them the viruses and then we all go to the pub. Nothing goes wrong when web and IT managers are there because no viruses are planted. We’ve been doing this for donkey’s years now. It is pretty funny really.’

theBunion sneaked into one web skills course. Soon we were accosted by a coked-up partying webmistress more than happy to spill the beans. ‘It’s almost too easy. I plant the virus and tell the boss to call out some local consultants if the system goes tits up. I’ve already told the consultants what the virus is so they know how to fix it. They get paid a fortune and I take a cut. And that’s on top of being paid by my employer to come here and party. I love IT.’

Our dossier on this scam is available to all suspicious managers.

2002-02-06T12:53:00.000Z

Thebunion to close (not really)

Thebunion would like to announce the forthcoming closure of its UK and US offices. It is with regret that this young company is closing its doors for the foreseeable future.

But as thebunion’s editor said: ‘With the news that Tony Bush and George W. Blair have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, we feel that our work here is done. Satire can go no further and we simply have to hang up our pens.’

Bush was said to be 'gutted' at the news of closure.

US latest

Military News: Suspected Al-qaeda terrorists being held at US navy base Guantanamo Bay in Cuba have refused to co-operate with the military hearings being arranged for their trial.

Steve Benson, a lawyer who would act for the group of suspected terrorists if he was allowed, told thebunion: ‘I feel that the atmosphere will be predjudical and that the men are already being pre-judged. It is for this reason that I have suggested they not attend.’

It is absolutely (surely ‘not’ – Ed) sure how co-operation will be encouraged.

Corporate News: Disgraced Enron ex-CEO Kenneth Lay has sued the US government after allegedly being tortured for information after refusing to co-operate with his interlocutors.

Amnesty international has received information that the US government has kept Lay in house arrest in his 20 bedroom mansion in LA. They have forced the ex-executive to give up his private jet and car, and slashed his domestic staff to just one butler and one chef.

One insider said: ‘Lay is in dreadful shape. Unless he gets out to a corporate dinner soon, he may well…well, I don’t want to say.’

Kenneth Lay is 89 – million dollars poor.

2002-02-05T13:03:00.000Z
Sex-mad teacher accused of discrimination

Pupils taught by a teacher accused of granting sexual favours to students have blasted their favourite biology teacher for blatant discrimination.

Said one 13-year-old virgin: ‘She went for the boys that looked the oldest. I was absolutely gutted that she did not make a pass at me. I know my voice hasn’t dropped and I’m still waiting for puberty to kick in but this was unfair. She picked a few boys, gave them the time of their life while the rest of us went home to the lingerie section of mail-order catalogues.’

School governors are looking into the accusation that some students benefited from specialist tuition whilst others were left to suffer. Headmaster Bernie Ankel told theBunion: ‘This is a serious allegation and we will investigate it fully. If what these pupils say is true, we will look at ways to offer them the education that other pupils have already received. This school is built around equality – the same levels of education for all.’

He added: ‘I personally interviewed the teacher in question and have first-hand experience of her teaching methods. I found her to be excellent and felt that she had the energy and drive to satisfy all her pupils.’

2002-02-04T13:04:00.000Z
Afghan warlords shun peace

Afghan warlords look set to shun peace for fear that thousands of jobs will be lost. Said local warlord Azil Fatwadi: ‘It’s all very well campaigning for peace but people do not realise that many warlords have no transferable skills. I have been a warlord for 20 years. If people give peace a chance, I will be ruined.’

A spokesman from Rights for Afghan Warlords (RAW), told theBunion: ‘If these do-gooders from the West want peace they need to sit down with us and tell us how they intend to retrain the local warlords. People do not just fall into a career of warlording. This business has been the backbone of the Afghan economy for many years now.’

Some warlords were more pragmatic. Said one, on condition of anonymity: ‘All good things must come to an end – and we did have some fun over the years. I have a few Nissan trucks and some good fighters. I will probably retrain them as Avon ladies. I mean, now that the Afghan women can show their faces, they’ll want to slap a bit of make-up on.’

This saga looks set to run and run.

2002-02-01T15:31:00.000Z
Lottery winner tells press: ‘Money is everything, losers!’

Those who win the national lottery are lying when they say ‘money isn’t everything.’ So says the winner of last month’s £2m rollover, who has gone on record to thebunion about his experiences.

Studley Knapp, 34, who used to be a baker, told us: ‘Basically everyone who wins absolutely loves it. But to avoid any danger to ourselves, someone occassionally tells the media they’ve spent up and hated it anyway. But do you ever hear from them again? No – because they’re on a beach in Barbados laughing their heads off!!’

He added: ‘I don’t go to work anymore and I can do anything I choose. What more do you want?’

Asked why he had chosen to break the Omerta lottery code, Knapp replied: ‘You offered me £5,000, remember?’

2002-02-01T15:02:00.000Z
Twins celebrate birthdays by twos

***This article is serious...not satire. It is faithfully reproduced word-for-word from our local newspaper, The Evening Gazette.***

Good things come in twos - or so twins Charlotte and Christopher Cope would have you believe. On the second day of the second month of the second year of this millennium, the twins of West Mersea, celebrate their 18th birthdays. That's an awful lot of twos for anyone who is counting.

Christopher, a student, said: 'It's freaky isn't it? I was just thinking about it the other day. I told my friends and they were surprised.'

Charlotte said: 'It's a little bit weird being born on the second day of the second month, especially because there's two of us.'

Mum Lorraine Cope said the number two had imposed itself even further on the birth of her children. She said: 'When Charlotte was born, she weighed 6lb 2oz, which was 2oz more than Christopher and they were 20 minutes apart.'

The number two is not the only significant number in the Copes' life. Lorraine's other daughter, 12-year-old Emma was born on the first of the first. Lorraine said: 'I had to stop after that.'

***Local news, we salute you. Unfortunately, the Gazette journalist behind this masterpiece failed to add his name. We'll never know the genius that lies behind this investigation into twins and twos. Alas.***

2002-02-01T14:54:00.000Z
Market exec gets chop for ‘unacceptable performance’

A senior marketing executive was sacked yesterday, for what company bosses described as a ‘catalogue of inexcusable successes.’ Wayne Chudd, 34, was asked to leave his £65,000 a year job after an investigation revealed he had been responsible for a 23% increase in company sales over a six month period.

Company president, Bob Fat, told Bridlington Crown Court: ‘I don’t pay my marketing executives large sums of money to sit about thinking up successful advertising campaigns. I expect a high degree of piss-taking, laziness and office flirting. I don’t want to arrive in the office to see my staff already sitting at their desks. I want them rolling in half an hour late with two days beard growth and a stinking hangover.’

The court heard that over eight months, Chudd had: ‘increased brand awareness by 19%, initiated five separate advertising campaigns and cut marketing costs by a third.’ Chudd denies the charges.

A spokesman for the Chartered Interview of Marketing said this evening that this sort of behaviour tainted the marketing profession as a whole: ‘It only takes one to create the impression that marketing is actually worthwhile. This will cause a lot of damage to the industry, which is already suffering from high salaries and unnecessary perks.’ The case continues.

2002-02-01T13:21:00.000Z
US recruits new weapon in fight against cave-bound terrorists

The Bush administration has added a new weapon in its fight against international terrorism. It has recruited 2,000 Norwegian grey-back mountain gnomes, to be trained in sub-terrainean warfare against Al’Quaiiiiiiida terrorists entrenched in the vast network of caves in Northern Afghanistan.

Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld, said the gnomes had the ideal survival and fighting skills to take on the Muslim extremists. ‘These are vicious little bastards. They take some training but can be honed into perfect killing machines. We see this very much in the same vein as Britain’s exploitation, I mean effective use of, those cute little ghurka soldiers from Nepal. We send the little fellas in do the dirty work, then we take all the glory without risking a single US soldier’s life,’ Rumsfeld told a packed news conference.

He said the first consignment of the creatures, which grow to an average height of eight inches, had already been netted by expert catchers and were being shipped to US army training camp, Westpoint. They will train alongside US soldiers and undergo a rigorous eight weeks of hand-to-hand combat and weapons training before being sent into action.

However, he denied accusations from some civil-rights groups that the gnomes had been shackled and blind-folded for the journey.

He also deflected questions about connections between the Norwegian species of gnome and its middle-east cousin, the bearded gnome. Bearded gnomes, nick-named ankle biters, are feared for their ruthless nature and have known links with Al’Quaiiiiiida leader, Osama Bin Laden.

2002-02-01T13:16:00.000Z
EU clears HP merger plan

The European Commission today gave the all clear for HP to merge with its closest rival. This development paves the way for a shareholder vote to finalise the deal. Once complete, HP hopes to integrate the two companies’ product lines and streamline production facilities.

But some customers are outraged. One irate Yorkshireman phoned theBunion HP hotline to say: ‘This is a ruddy disaster for the industry. HP brown sauce is for me bacon sarnies and Heinz Ketchup is for me chips. What am I supposed to do with Brownish-red sauce?’

A spokesman for Heinz stood firm: ‘This deal makes sound economic sense. It is pointless producing red sauce and brown sauce separately. Customer will love the taste of brownish-red sauce and it will save us money.’

Continental Europeans were unfazed by the announcement. French sauce-eating groups pledged to continue putting mayonnaise on everything in defiance of EU taste directives.

2002-02-01T13:01:00.000Z
Terror alert not over

The terror threat hanging over America could last for years, according to high-level Democrat sources.

Said one: ‘Well think about it. The next Presidential election is not until 2005 – so there’s at least three more years. And if he gets in again, it could be 2009 before things change. It’s quite frightening for the free world really.’

2002-02-01T09:06:00.000Z
Anger at UK foreign affairs

Scandal erupted last night after it emerged that the British government had been involved in a sexual relationship with the French government.

Shocked sources say the two administrations had been caught together in a locked broom cupboard in the Brussels offices of the EU Commission, in the middle of a European summit on global warming. One source told theBunion: ‘It was a cleaner who caught them at it. She got the fright of her life. The two cabinets were completely naked, going at it hammer and tongs. It certainly brings a new meaning to the term anglo-french relations.’

This is just the latest sex controversy to hit the UK government, which last year had a brief fling with Botswana during an Afro-European trade conference. One onlooker said yesterday: ‘The UK should have known better. I wouldn’t have expected anything more from France though – it sleeps with any country without a trade deficit.’

British voters reacted angrily to the news. One said: The UK government should be very careful about the way it conducts its foreign affairs. We are likely to get a reputation as the tart of Europe. Plus, we don’t know where France has been.’

Germany was said to be angry and jealous at the news. One insider said last night: ‘Germany has been courting the UK for months. But Britain has fancied France for years.’

2002-02-01T08:55:00.000Z
Accounting scandal rocks UK office

In the wake of the collapse of Enron, a UK office is today coming to terms with its own accounting scandal. George Ashford, birthday card and cake fund collector, stands accused of embezzling funds raised from his trusting colleagues.

One out-of-pocket colleague said: 'It is scandalous. We all gave him 50p to buy a card and a cake and now we find out that he pocketed most of the money for himself. This could have been going on for years. It has shattered our trust in accounting procedures.'

Said another: 'The cakes he bought were always past their sell by date. And the cards looked like they were homemade. He's probably made about £20 doing this over the years.'

Ashford remained adamant that he had done nothing wrong: 'It is their own fault for being gullible. Any leftovers were a handling fee. It's not like I spent the money. I like to take it home, clean it, sort it and count it. It makes me happy.'

Police are deliberating whether to press charges. Ashford is already accused of wasting police time by calling them out to investigate wildlife noises heard during the night at his semi-detatched Suffolk bungalow. One colleague expressed sympathy for Ashford: 'I think we knew what was happening all along. He's a simple man and nobody wants to see him go down for this. We all find the thought of Ashford going down horrific.'

2002-02-01T08:21:00.000Z
Woman falls over shocker

Critics have lambasted US newspapers for running a front page story of a woman who fainted yesterday.

One high-level source said: ‘It’s disgraceful. This woman is not known outside her home country and hasn’t done anything useful for years. This is not news.’

Buckingham Palace hit back yesterday, saying the Queen was recovering well and would be back on public duties soon.

2002-02-01T08:10:00.000Z
CIA written rules

A CIA agent being held hostage by left-wing rebels in Afghanistan denied again last night that he was a journalist.

Dave ‘Dave’ Spam said: ‘I have never written anything for any paper in my life. Nor have I ever read one.’

At a government press conference CIA director Mike Biggins added: ‘Dave is doing his job and is not affiliated in any way with the press - they are a bunch of troublemakers with no authority to be in Afghanistan and severely restrict us doing our job.’

The rebels are demanding the dismantling of the right-wing news group, TheTelegraph, before Spam is released.

2002-01-31T16:31:00.000Z
Opinion poll says over 90pc of Americans don't believe in opinion polls

The latest figures released by the US government's Office of National Statistics show that at least 95pc of US citizens believe opinion polls are misleading. This is a 20pc rise on figures from this time last year.

The Governments figures come hot on the heels of rival numbers released last week from the World Trade Organisation's National Statistics Bureau. According to its research, the true 'sceptic quota' is closer to 60pc.

The Bush Administration last night brushed off suggestions it should be concerned by this rise in scepticism. A spokesperson said: 'We have 80pc approval rating in the polls and there is no way this is wrong. In fact, it's probably closer to 99pc.'

This view was confirmed by independent sources, some of whom were in tears when they spoke to thebunion.

2002-01-31T15:54:00.000Z
***EXCLUSIVE***

Goat sex man hits back in an exclusive interview with thebunion.

With Flossy the goat being shunned by friends and family alike, goat sex man Nobby Wilde has decide to come clean with the truth behind the sex act that shocked the world.

Speaking to thebunion from a goat-free safehouse, Nobby claimed: ‘Flossy does not deserve all this bad press. She’s getting a lot of stick from her mates. They say it takes two to tango and it’s the same when it comes to goat sex. I was a willing participant.’

Nobby added: ‘We met at a dinner dance and have been seeing each other for months now. She didn’t want to go public because she knew the goat community would react like this. Flossy isn’t gay and she has done this sort of thing before – believe me, I know. She had it all planned and asked me to chase her when she ran away. She likes that sort of thing.’

Nobby is now afraid that he might lose Flossy forever. Flossy is not returning Nobby’s calls and is desperately trying to patch things up with her family. Nobby said: ‘If Flossy is reading this, I just want her to know that I still love her. I want to make an honest goat of her.’

Flossy, please contact thebunion and we will pass your message to Nobby.

2002-01-31T14:58:00.000Z
Goat has sex with man

Flocks of goats on their way to graze this morning were shocked and horrified to see a goat engaged in a ‘sex act’ with a man. The goat, 2 and a half year old Flossy, was seen pretending to run away from the man, only to allow herself to be caught and have sex with the man.

One shocked witness, who refused to be named, bleated: ‘It was disgusting. She took advantage of a poor innocent man. It’s not natural.’

Flossy, who claims to be gay, was unrepentant this evening. She said: ‘My friends are giving me a lot of stick about this. I’ve never done anything like this before.’

The man, who was examined by a doctor, was said to be traumatised but recovering.

2002-01-31T14:49:00.000Z
Enron Latest

There was shock and outrage on Capital Hill last night as rumours surfaced that at least one US Senator had not taken money from collapsed Energy Giant in return for access.

Republican Senator Jesse Malone told thebunion: 'Its a disgrace. Imagine if everyone acted like this. The whole goddamn country would collapse.'

The political pressure intensified on the accused Senator, Democrat Bob Worthy, as it was revealed he may not have acted alone. Worthy hit back at critics, saying he had received no official sanction from the administration, who had in fact tried to talk him out of the decision.

But National Sceptic Editor Brian Blane told us: 'We have some serious evidence that there are more of them goddamn do-gooders on Capital Hill than anyone thinks. It's every Americans' Constitutional duty to do something about this, or else, where will we be as a country?'

Arthur Andersen is 101.

2002-01-31T14:40:00.000Z
Homeless hit out at altruistic homeowners

London's homeless today attacked the 'selfless, workaday' mentality of the majority of the capital's employed and homeowning population. Complaints have risen in the last few months from the capital's drugged up, scrounging community, who say they are increasingly being approached in tube stations and underpasses by people offering food, money or even 'a bed for the night'. Layabout spokesman, John Smith, told theBunion: 'It's becoming a real problem. We just want to be left to lie about drunkenly in gutters and smeared in our own puke. But you can't collapse anywhere in London these days without some do-gooder trying to help. If we want cash we'll mug an old woman - we don't want handouts.'

London Mayor, Ken Livingstone, admitted there was a problem: 'I'll be the first to admit you can't walk anywhere in London without seeing somebody trying to buy a copy of the Big Issue. It has to stop - the vendors who hang about on street corners are becoming seriously traumatised by the number of people who approach them everyday, trying to pay £1.20 for what is, let's face it, a tat filled rag. These people are homeless for a reason - they are too lazy to work. So we should crack down on people with money trying to force them into doing a bit of hard graft such as actually having to sell copies of the Big Issue.'

2002-01-31T14:35:00.000Z
Satire site launches without satire

Brand new satire site www.thebunion.blogspot.com exploded onto the internet to mixed reviews today. Said one bemused punter, 'They're a good set of lads and I like the content but when I come to a satire site, I expect to read satire.'

A fair criticism say many. An official spokesperson for thebunion defended the fledgling site. 'The writers are quite new to this. They are still getting to grips with the concept of satire. I expect the level of satire and the quality to improve in the coming months.'

Dickon Hooper, author of the first ever article published on thebunion, said: 'We were just seeing if it worked to be honest. I just copied and pasted in something that I had written recently.'

With thebunion webcounter up and running, the corporation is bracing itself for a massive number of hits. IBM Global Services is on standby should the sheer volume of traffic become too much for the teeny-weeny bit of the server that the site sits on.

One thing is clear. The internet has entered a new era. A revolution is about to occur in the world of online satire. All that is needed is for thebunion's crack team of satire writers to produce some content.